It’s been almost seven years since my last ‘meltdown’ so I suppose I am entitled. . . I haven’t had one yet but I’ve been on the verge since Friday evening.
I have a pretty full plate right now . . . I just got over pneumonia and Dear Husband has been pretty sick since Monday. At first I thought it was just a MAN cold but I believe he has had the flu and he has had it bad. Finally today he is beginning to get better. Of course, he refuses to go to the doctor but I threatened him that if he wasn’t significantly better by Monday morning, HE WAS GOING! The last thing I need is for him to get pneumonia too. Anway, Tuesday I also developed an intestinal virus and was pretty sick until late Wednesday. We were pretty pathetic.
In the meantime, I’ve been trying to do some painting in the house. With all my health issues at this time, it is good for me to stay busy and the entire interior needs to be repainted. Silly me. I thought starting with the smallest room in the house would be smart because I could say have one room all done. Well, the smallest room in the house is the guest bathroom and it has a LOT of trim and edging to be done. First of all, I’m not much of a painter to begin with. Thursday afternoon I washed down all the walls and planned to paint it Friday, which I did. However, there wasn’t much room to set up a ladder in that small room with all it’s fixtures and we have vaulted ceiling throughout the house. I finished painting the walls but still need to buy paint and do the trim and door. That shouldn’t be too bad.
Totally exhausted, I sank into my recliner about 7:30 PM and looked around at all the rest of the house. This is going to take major determination for me to complete . . . but I’m no quitter.
Anyway, I had sore muscles and was dog tired and I sat here pondering all the work ahead of me as well as the ongoing medical problems I’m having. In a nutshell, we still don’t know why my platelets continue to run so low. The liver function tests are elevated and being off the anti-cancer drug concerns me. I still have almost 2 years to go of it and now it is the one thing I take that is terrible for my liver. The best I can for my liver right now is to tightly control my blood sugars and to continue losing weight.
About a month ago, following an EKG (which is about useless in my opinion), I was told that my heart function had gone from 35% to 45%. My exercise paid off. Good news indeed and I was so excited to finally get some good news. . . however, just before 8PM Friday night my phone rang. It was the cardiologist’s office calling to give me the results of my last echocardiogram. I knew I had a lot of heart damage from heart attacks and I also knew that I have FIVE diagnosed heart conditions including Congestive Heart Failure. Well, at any rate the news stunned me.
After him recently telling me that my heart function (pumping efficiency) had improved by 10%, I was devastated to hear the news that it had actually dropped. Instead of the 35% it was previously, it has now dropped to 30%. That may not sound like a lot, but with all the workouts I’ve been doing and trying so hard to lose weight (36 pounds so far since March of this year), I was just crushed.
Adding that to the fact that I was exhausted was a blow. I needed someone to talk to but Dear Husband was sick and that means he didn’t want to or was unable to be there for me. I went to bed and after prayer, my body aching, I envisioned myself sitting on my Heavenly Father’s lap. He wrapped His arms around me and I could almost feel them . . . I finally drifted off to sleep but it was fitful and not restful.
Saturday was busy and I tried to keep it that way. Not being able to share all these feelings with my rock and best friend was hard to bear. When he got up on Saturday morning, I told him that I really needed to talk about all this and what it meant . . . he said, “Yeah, I know you do” and then promptly laid back down and closed his eyes. I know that he was sick . . . but even when I’ve been close to death, I could still listen!!!
He’s always been my solid rock and has seen me through good times and bad, but this was a hard blow to me–another one in less than a day! I’m not sure if I was mad or hurt or both . . . so that is why I stayed busy ALL day long. When bedtime came, I was again exhausted as pulled up the covers and tried to block out his snores.
Church and worship today were good and much needed . . . but once I got home, prepared dinner and then watched him go back to bed, I just about had that meltdown. . .I vented a little bit to my Dear Daughter but I simply feel so alone. My family doesn’t stay in contact with me unless I do the calling and that made me feel even more alone. I’m not one to complain and whine and most people have no idea just how sick I am. My motto has always been “I just put on my Max Factor and a smile!”
The last time I had a meltdown was almost seven years ago. I remember it well and I won’t go into what I was so distraught about at that time. I honestly haven’t cried but one time since then and it was tears of relief and joy at hearing that my cancer had not spread to the lymph nodes. I just may end up a blubbering fool before this night is over and if I do, I am not going to feel bad about it. Frankly, I think I deserve one–a good one! I know that this too shall pass . . .